I searched Google to find out when "How are you doing" became common in colloquial speech. “The salutation first appeared in print in the 1940s and spread in the 1970s.” Some of my favorite New York friends, Italians, are the originators, and then it spread as a way to say "Hello!" If this salutation aims to greet someone who has entered your presence, no wonder the answer is common, “Fine! And you?” The question does not seek an honest assessment of the condition of the one being asked. I get it. Who has time to stop and listen to each person who might not answer, “Fine?”
Then how do we connect as human beings; if “How are you doing” doesn’t draw us into a dialogue that connects us? I know many of you are reading this thinking, “I wouldn’t share my business with just anyone who wants to know how I’m doing.” Trust me, I wouldn’t ask anyone to do that, and neither would I. I muse over a concern I find among God’s children, “When do disciples of Christ, Christians, begin to desire to get deeper with one another?” When do we start getting into spiritual concerns and see that the answers to our emotional struggles is finding out how folks are doing spiritually? When do we begin to, I’ll call it, Commiserate spiritually?
I’ve been a part of many women’s groups. I’ve led women, submitted to women’s leadership, and listened to many women share heartaches, concerns, struggles, and joys and they ask for advice on marriage, children, and goals. After sharing, I find that in most of these situations, commiserating is about our similar stories or opinions, and occasionally, we will commiserate spiritually. It appears that “How are you doing?” doesn’t elicit an honest assessment; many times, it seems as if vulnerable places like women with common goals in a group don’t bring us to meet each other’s emotional needs spiritually; when do we do it?
First Thessalonians 5:14 says, “Brothers and sisters, we urge you to warn those who are lazy. Encourage those who are timid. Take tender care of those who are weak. Be patient with everyone.” Most Christians have been shamed into sharing God’s Word in the area that Scripture directs us to warn, encourage, take tender care, and be patient, as being “too spiritual” or “being self-righteous.” We believe that is the job of Pastors, counselors, and leaders in a church. We find ourselves limited to commiserating with our own stories with those who are trying to answer the question, how are you, in a way that is not fine. They are looking for more. Many of us know the hope of Scripture that can give more, but we simply share our stories. I am not putting down the fact that we share similar circumstances, but what if God’s plan for them in the same situation is an outcome that is completely different? The Scripture speaks hope for those who are not fine. It gives something to hold on to, while commiserating over similarities may force our grip to loosen. For many reasons, the similarity takes a turn; the outcome is not the same; the people involved are different. I can go on, but I know you understand. Proverbs 14:10 says it like this, “The heart knows its own bitterness, and no, its joys cannot be shared.” In other words, different people will experience the same situation differently. God’s Word is the connector of hope in every situation, no matter the outcome.
So many of our souls are in pain within the walls of our churches. Men are struggling to be known in ways men know each other. Women desire to feel whole emotionally and build sincere friendships. We do this differently. I am not talking about coffee dates or building projects. While those are ways to get to know one another, they don’t always allow us to get to know where we are spiritually and see how we might “Share each other’s burdens, and in this way obey the law of Christ,” Galatians 6:2.
We move on in our lives as if we are fine. Most of us have not had a deep spiritual conversation with a brother or sister in Christ in who knows how long. We go to our Bible studies, small groups, and even our Sunday services, and many of us leave as empty as we arrive. Even though we want to be seen and heard, we answer fine when asked, “How are you doing?” Yet, we hope someone notices that we are not. Imagine the growth and understanding that can come from spiritual conversations. I am not talking about exchanging knowledge. Commiserating spiritually is to hear what is being shared and allowing the Holy Spirit to direct the stored hope of His Word that is in you to pour into another's life through their personal need. If we only trust the Holy Spirit and not our doubts, worries, or fears, we may receive as much edification as we offer through spiritual commiserating. Plus, it gives us more than an empty conversation in the place we are called to be the family of God. There should be more than "fine" when we are with family.
I love to ask folks, “How have you and God connected this week?” I may ask, “What things is God taking you through to grow you up in Him?” Most of us are not going to ask those questions. What can we ask to let one another know my question is not, “How are you doing?” Where that question only elicits the refrain, “Fine.” When we get serious about obeying Scripture in this area and choose to know one another, in “The Church,” it becomes relationships where “we warn those who are lazy. Encourage those who are timid. Take tender care of those who are weak. And are patient with everyone.” Vulnerablity is what God asks of His people, otherwise passages like this would not be in The Bible. Who does that? God's people!
How can we get to the place where there is no criticism if a brother or sister responds to emotional/mental care by bringing up the Words of Scripture to commiserate spiritually?
How can we respond spiritually beneficially to someone wanting to respond with more than “fine” if asked? How are you doing?
Commiserating spiritually, according to Psalm 19, brings amazing opportunities. We are told that is how souls are revived, where the simple are made wise, our hearts experience joy, we receive clear insight, and we find the purity of God’s heart giving us direction. Commiserating over commonality is great. We know that we can say, “Someone knows what I am going through.” Commiserating spiritually brings God into the circumstance, offering us His grace in time of need through whoever is stopping to find out how you are doing, in the way God allows us to “share each other’s burdens, and in this way, we obey the law of Christ.”
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